An Immodest Proposal

We can’t say, with any modicum of certainty, that prominent talk show host Rachel Ray has ever dined upon a human being’s flesh.  That would be patently absurd to state, of course. Absolutely unprovable defamation. Libelous or slanderous, depending how you disseminated the claim. We have absolutely no actionable proof that television’s Rachel Ray has feasted upon long-pig.

What we can tell you, however, without one doubt in our minds, is that we’re certain she has at least received a serious offer. She is no longer some mere cheerleader from Glens Falls with a dimpled smile, a pert bubble-butt and a voice like a chain smoker that moved on from smoking unfiltered to chewing and gargling the un-used filters themselves. The Food Network’s Rachel Ray now sits as unto a queen atop a multimedia empire. Probably eight or nine shows on basic cable or syndication, a magazine, multiple lines of human and dog foods. She is more than rich and powerful enough, she has certainly run in the kind of lofty circles where the opportunity for depravity is functionally endless and the chance of consequences are functionally nil. There has at least been the opportunity for Thirty-Minute-Meals’ Rachel Ray to engage in cannibalism.

“Oh, Rachel,” someone toting a designer leather carrier for their little  yip-dog more expensive than most good used cars has said, “you just have to try this hand of sweat shop worker braised in an ancho reduction, it’s divine.” “Here, Rachel”, someone with three senators on speed-dial has remarked at a party most posh, “our chefs just got in a shipment of bespoke orphan hearts, wrapped in prosciutto and spiked with dried cloves, it is as you would say, simply yummo.”

“Oh, Rachel” someone has said to her, “there aren’t any rules for us, we are gods over the rabble, your banking accounts confirm you are from a whole different species than them now, no longer mere homo sapiens, we’re homo opulentia. It’s no different than a monkey or cow to us now. 

We can’t say media star Rachel Ray has ever eaten human flesh, that’d be stupid, illegal, unwise, open to swift legal action. Still, as an incredibly rich person, we cannot be so naïve as to believe she hasn’t had the opportunity to do so. That is just how it works in this society.

In fact, we’ll say, because of her perky charisma, we dearly hope Rachel Ray hasn’t consumed a gourmet meal of man shank in a rich balsamic vinegar glaze and sprinkled with gold-leaf just for texture. We want to believe she politely demurred the privilege to eat her own kind when a man with a public fleet of electric cars and a private collection of monocles offered it unto her.

But you know Rachel Ray has had the chance, one way or the other. You know it in the deepest part of your soul. That’s what it means to be wealthy in this place some rich guy named America.

Mike Cecconi has been featured in such diverse publications as the UK's Critical Quarterly and Australia's Scope, the baseball journal The Twin Bill and the science-fiction journal Warp 10. He has performed at Rochester Fringe Festival as well as part of TEDx Utica. Mike holds a television/radio/film degree from Syracuse & is currently a library aide in northern New York state.